Love Is In The Air
Love is in the air! We are surrounded by Valentine’s Day reminders everywhere. No matter your feelings about The Day, love is always something to honor, celebrate and express. There are so many facets to love, so let’s put aside the fairy tale of white knights with diamonds, roses and chocolate for a moment.
I find the holiday brings up our deepest feelings about love and romance – hopes and fears combined. My single friends are all feeling like everyone but them are in love. Men everywhere are feeling the pressure to Get It Right, while women’s expectations are like hitting a moving target. Add in the people who want to pretend the day doesn’t exist, after all, it’s made up by Hallmark, right? And the romantics who go to ridiculous lengths to prove otherwise, after all, “Every kiss begins with Kay.”
What could possibly go wrong?
One of my more melodramatic single friends says, “On Valentine’s Day, please come over and hide all my kitchen knives.” While I’m pretty sure the hyperbole isn’t serious, her sentiment is not far from unusual. Seems like everyone has been asked to the ball, but you. Everywhere you turn, there are reminders of love. Being single on Valentine’s Day is a pointed reminder that love eludes you.
The deeper our fear of being unloved and unlovable, the worse the day looms.
A long-time coupled friend of mine spent days planning the perfect Valentine’s evening for her and her husband. They didn’t want to go out, join the crowd and over-spend on a meal, so she took it upon herself to make their evening romantic. She planned the menu, arranged for her mom to take the kids for the night, cooked a delicious meal. She spent extra time getting ready, showered, shaved and was smelling good, ready for her man to come home. Meanwhile, her husband took their agreement not to go out as her implied consent the day was unimportant to her. He comes home tired, empty-handed and hungry. Needless to say, the evening ends with fireworks, and not of the good kind.
Nothing sets up disappointment like expectations combined with lack of communication.
Valentine’s Day is the perfect opportunity to look at our feelings about love and relationships. Whether you are single or married for decades truly does not matter. We all hold a preset belief about how love should look and feel, and how relationships are supposed to work. How are parents related with each other, our early experiences with love and loss, and our own preconceptions all temper our views and expectations about our love life.
None of those experiences of love need to cement our reality. We are all capable of expanding our ability to love and be loved.
I believe the more you cultivate a healthy relationship with yourself, the greater your capacity to love and be loved by others. Sounds like a good starting point to me. I’m going to write more about love in the coming weeks, but for now I want to leave you with some food for thought.
Love comes in many shapes, sizes and dimensions. Think about all the things you love – children, our pets, a gorgeous sunset, the sound of the ocean, spring flowers, a squishy hug, lightning bugs, a great cup of coffee, and so on. I think we often focus on our disappointments and unmet expectations, we forget how much love surrounds us constantly. Love is everywhere.
What is your story you tell yourself about love? For me it was “All the good ones are taken.” But I know plenty of people who deep down believe themselves unworthy or incapable of love. Or some variation of the theme that men are awful, and women are worse. These stories are rarely, if ever, true. Find your story and write a better ending.
Speak up! We spend so much time in our heads, we rarely say aloud how we much we appreciate, value and love the people in our lives. Never again use the excuse, “Oh they already know how I feel…” to stop you from telling them. You will be amazed at how the simple compliment lands, such as “You look good in that color.” Or “I love it when you do that” – from taking out the trash to making you laugh. Say it, mean it.
Rein in the expectations. We are constantly bombarded by the unrealistic. People are always so eager to tell you how your life should be, and social media compounds it. Decide for yourself what is important to you without the constant noise from outside sources, and when you do, share it. No one should be expected to read your mind or automatically know your needs, and if you don’t know, figure it out. There is no greater gift to yourself than mapping out what you want and owning your own happiness.
Love your life as is… Gratitude always provides a foundation to build upon. Yeah, sure, there are circumstances we wish were different or better, but when we acknowledge the good we already have, we are gifted with more good. Always.
And if I don’t say it often enough, I love you. Thank you for being part of my community, my tribe. Let’s continue to build a more loving world together.
