Mama Said There'd be Days Like This...
Sometimes life gets a little messy. There are days when it seems like everything that can go wrong, run late or spill over, does. Days when the ugliness of human nature stares at you with teeth bared and doesn’t blink. Life feels off-kilter and you feel unhinged. Sound like anyone you know? Yeah, me too. Sometimes despite our best efforts to be upbeat and sunny, life happens.
We all get angry, frustrated, disappointed or any number of negative emotions at times. It isn’t a bad thing to have negative feelings, what is important is how we handle our less than stellar days. There’s a tendency to hold onto our anger, take out our frustration on the wrong people, stew about our disappointments indefinitely. Our negative emotions take up precious real estate in our bodies, minds and souls long after the initial reactions occur. You cannot nourish your soul if you are nourishing a grudge.
But just as importantly, you cannot ignore, gloss over or fake a positive spin on your negative emotions. We resist admitting something is wrong, or bothering us, because we fear what might happen if we speak up. What we resist, persists. It sticks around like parsley in your teeth, showing itself at the worst possible time. Unresolved anger and other negative emotions can even make you physically ill if you do not address the issues at hand.
How do we process negative emotions so they are felt, acknowledged and released?
First step is to recognize and identify how you feel. Own it, “I’m upset about...” For me, I prefer to be alone to deal with my feelings, so if possible, I remove myself for a while. This helps keep my reactions from boiling over or escalating. And I find I need an activity to engross myself mentally and physically to process my emotions.
When I need to work through a problem, or feel restless, I cook. Chopping vegetables is just the type of mindful mindlessness I need to let my thoughts chill and allow answers to my problems to come through. Many of my life’s challenges have found their solutions in a pot of soup. I find comfort in the smell of food cooking.
As a girl, I worked out my teenaged angst on the piano. Nothing calms a girl down like a date with Beethoven. And as a young wife, I cleaned like a white tornado when I needed to sort things out. It seems I’ve always had a ritual for times when I’m feeling off-balance and out-of-sorts.
We all need a go-to activity for times we need to calm down, shift gears, or simply problem-solve.
I’ll admit, over the years, I have had some other go-to activities for dealing with my upsets. Eating comfort food was delightful in the moment, but macaroni and cheese was not particularly effective at problem solving past the first few bites. I wanted to feel better now and that chocolate cake is telling me how much “I deserve it.”
Numbing my feelings with wine seemed to help, but never provided solutions, only a headache.
Shopping for things I did not need was a good diversion but more stuff was not the answer.
Speaking of diversions, nothing distracts you from your problems like watching someone else’s, right? Misery loves company! TV is full of people whose lives are a wreck. How depressing!
No judgments if you recognize yourself in my scenarios, too. It’s very easy to mistake self-indulgence for self-care.
In the long run, these routines proved useless for making me feel better beyond a fleeting moment. They did nothing to provide insight into the issue at hand, nor offer any lasting solutions. Self-indulgent behavior at best, self-destructive at its worst. It deadens the spirit.
How in the heck can I deal with negative emotions?
One day I realized I already have a system for working out my disquietude that didn’t involve junk food, alcohol, or spending money. I felt better when I created something healthy to eat, and I was in a healthier frame of mind afterwards. Cleaning also provided a sense of accomplishment and an improved outlook. Neither damaged my health, finances or spirit, yet gave me time to process my feelings.
Do you have a go-to ritual for working out your willies? If not, how about giving one of these suggestions a try. Having used them all, I can personally attest they are very effective at relieving anxiety, negativity and dis-ease.
1) Get outside in the fresh air. Tend the garden, prune the bushes, dead-head the flowers. Take a walk in the park or hike in the woods. Go for a swim or play in the snow, as seasonally appropriate. Fresh air always provides a fresh perspective.
2) Tidy up. Clearing away clutter is one of the best ways to clear your mind. You don’t have to take on the whole house, the junk drawer or your desktop will do nicely.
3) Turn up the tunes. William Congreve was right, “Music hath charms to soothe a savage breast.” Sing along, dance with the dog.
4) Write it down. Magic happens when you put pen to paper. Unfiltered, uncensored writing – spelling and punctuation be damned! Don’t stop until you get it out. Writing provides clarity and helps you gain perspective. Extra credit for burning it afterwards. Seeing your problem go up in smoke is a beautiful metaphor.
5) Exercise. Break a sweat! Find something that works for you and jump in.
6) Create something. If you are an artist or musician, you know what to do, so do it! Don’t feel like painting? Wash your brushes. Don’t feel like playing? Practice scales anyway. Craft, sew, knit or bake! Get out the hammer, nails and tools. Make a pot of soup or a casserole. The choices are endless!
7) Phone a friend. We all have that friend who is the voice of reason and a sympathetic ear. Give them a call, or meet up for coffee. However, it’s wise to avoid people who might add gasoline to your fire.
One of the best strategies for self-care is to learn how to process negative emotions and not let them rule your life. Once you have acknowledged your feelings and given yourself time to process them in mindful activity, you can then address the issues calmly and decisively.
We can’t control life’s curve balls, but we can control how we respond.
